Dear Mom and Dad,
When I drove through the gate at the end of the day yesterday I had that same bad feeling that I felt when I came home about 2 years ago to find that the dogs had killed more than twenty of my chickens. I was worried that the feeling was telling me that something was wrong with Simon but when I got around block 18 I could see the sprinklers on in my pig pasture so I knew that he was out and about.
I drove up the driveway in my big red truck full of various types of animal feed. The dogs were so excited to see me and they started running around like crazy, barking and jumping and having fun. I was creeping up to my parking spot, being especially careful because I knew the dogs were around the truck when I heard an unusual sound, kind of like a whimper, and Simon came running out of the garage. In a nanosecond I had run over Rosie and once I realized what I had done, I was hysterical. The kids opened the doors of the truck and took off running and screaming and crying into the vineyard. I got out and saw her laying there, not dirty at all, no blood, nothing that you would expect from a tiny little dog that had just been run over by a one ton pick-up. She tried to take a breath and couldn’t. I just kept petting her and she was gone in only a moment. I am thankful for that.
Calling you to say that I had just killed your pet that you trusted me to take care of while you were on vacation was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. In fact, this whole experience has been one of the most traumatic of my life. It puts all the stupid little things that I usually get upset about into a whole new perspective.
I feel guilty, I feel responsible, I feel so sad and heavy hearted. Hurting my parents is not something that I wanted to do.
At one point last night, and again when I woke up this morning, for a split second I had the feeling that this was something in my head, like a bad dream. I’ve wondered if this is my payback for killing 60 chickens with a pocket knife on Labor Day (for those of you who don’t know me, they were for food) and shooting tons of nasty little squirrels (not for food) last Sunday, both definitely bad karma activities.
Even though Rosie drove me crazy sometimes, I loved her too and I don’t think I’ll ever get over the feeling that I have now knowing that I am responsible for killing her, but hopefully time will make it feel a little less sharp.
I hope you know how sorry I am. I am really very sorry.